Blogging feels very self-indulgent.

As life spun out of control, the temps crept up over the past month and work took over – the blog suffered for one simple reason.  Blogging feels self-indulgent.  As I fought for time with family and friends, as I went in early and worked late and as I even tried to scare up a few moments for “me-time” this blog suffered, my writing suffered and so did my running.

This blog, and writing in general, is very similar to running.  Both feel self-indulgent and are always the first to go when priorities start getting juggled.  Right or wrong – that’s the way it is.

So, here I stand.  I can ignore it and drop this blog and pretend that I’m perfect and totally planned to skip a month of blogging, to half-ass the first two weeks of training for the fall half marathon. Or, I can lay it all out.

I screwed up.  I put myself last for the past month.

Professionally things happen like that too, things fall through the cracks. I wish they didn’t and there are certainly days that I wish I was better than I am at catching every single detail; every single email; every single thing that passes by my desk, but there are days that I don’t.  There are times that after working 20+ days straight and 80-hour weeks that things fall through the cracks and I absolutely hate that.  The perfectionist in me wants to scream and shout and then stay up all night to fix it.

It’s harder to do that when it’s something self-indulgent like running or writing.  I move heaven and earth to serve others, to make times for family and friends and to get work done.  It’s so much harder to move heaven and earth and make time for just me.  When the results aren’t as immediate as any of those other items; it’s just plain hard.

Running progress is slow.  December 16th will mark my 1st run-aversary.  When I look at the progress in nearly 8 months it’s incredible to think of the progress so far. And yet- there’s so much farther that I hope to go.  Each run is its own challenge.  Each run is its own internal battle.  Progress is measured in miles, in months and in years.  When the stress piles on, it’s easier to knock out the small things that add up to progress quickly.  It’s easier to do what others rely on you to do.  It’s easier to serve others and spend time with others and receive that immediate feedback from others.

Part of the internal struggle that I’ve faced this summer as my plate gets more and more full is carving out a spot to keep learning, developing and making time for me.  I feel great after a run and after writing for an hour, but I feel like I still have a plate full of stuff to take care of.  When I knock some of that other stuff off, it’s easier not to feel bad about not making time 3 miles because I’m the only one I let down by not doing those miles.

So, I’m laying it out.  I screwed up and I want to be accountable for it.  This past month, I let myself down and I own up to that.  All I can do is dig in and move on from here with all the purpose and motivation I can muster.

3 miles Sunday, plus cross training and two miles yesterday, plus cross training.  Three miles on tap with a running buddy tomorrow and some more cross training tonight.  So far, making time for myself feels pretty great.